
I heard or saw that above quote somewhere, so unfortunately I cannot quote the source but that’s quite a question, isn’t it? So many times we just want to simply talk out some of our situations or problems that we are facing to someone else. We don’t always want advice but we do like to be validated for how we are feeling. What we tend to get instead is advice. I have nothing against advice. I think that it can be very helpful in certain situations but the need to be heard goes so much deeper than that, doesn’t it?
I’ll explain why that’s so important in a minute but stick with me first.
When I was working as a Behavior Support Staff with the Pointe Coupee Parish School Board, there was a quote that I ran into while I was doing some trainings through Insights to Behavior. ITB is a website that helps with writing Behavior Intervention Plans (or BIPS) within the school system. The goal is to not to always have to write BIPs but to try and find the underlying cause of the behavior that the student was engaging in and the need that went along with it. While I was doing those trainings, I saw the following quote that helped me to see the many different perspectives of those who are having the behavioral issues. This quote is from Ashleigh Warner, a Holistic Family Psychologist, and it is as follows: “Beneath every behavior there is a feeling. And beneath each feeling is a need. And when we meet that need rather than focus on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause not the symptom.” (Ashleigh’s website for further information: https://holisticfamilypsychologist.com).
Whew! That’s pretty deep and profound I think, as well. This brings me back to why the need to be heard is so important.
Too many times, we don’t take the time to really listen to each other. Sometimes what a person is saying is not matching what they are actually feeling. I actually think that it’s a form of self-preservation. We often get hurt when another person tells us that what we are feeling is stupid or wrong. I have found for the most part that when I do give advice to others, I will try to frame it in the form of stories that helps make a connection instead of giving true advice. Why do I do that? Many times people don’t listen to advice; however, they do want that connection that shows us how someone else dealt with that similar issue which makes it more relatable to their situation. (Related post: The Very First Social Stories (The Parables of Jesus))
My point of saying all this is to remind you to not take what someone says personally. It’s not about you. It’s actually about them and their frustration within that situation or at things that they cannot control. Showing them some kindness and compassion can go a long way to helping them be heard and feel valued. Isn’t that what we all want?
What did I learn from this? This skill of listening more has taken me several years to develop and I’m certainly not there fully. It’s a process that you have to work through. Yet for me, it’s more about asking God to help me understand something more than what I can see on the surface. It’s asking Him to help me to discern the deeper meaning and the need that goes along with the behavior. It’s not about being reactionary, it’s more about being proactive, instead. Once I can help that person get to the point of acknowledging their need, then we can begin to focus on the strategies that they can use in the future to deal with a similar problem.
So, what can you gain from this? My main point for you to take away from this is to take the time to listen to each other. Some things that we hear are hard and our human nature is to lash out because we are taking someone else’s behavior personally. Remember that they are trying to tell you something but may not have the words or know how to say what they are feeling in the right way. You can best help them just by listening to their story, validating their feelings, and restating back what they said to reaffirm what you heard. That is the key to listening and it certainly takes some practice, but I know that you can do it, too!









